At Thanksgiving, my sweet family member who I always have great conversations with finally sat me down to ask me about it all. We discussed several things (that I'm not going to lay out here. Your journey is your journey) and then he said - very calmly, with no judgment or instructions, Jah bless, "Well okay. I just wanted to talk to you about it, because y'know, you used to be more...Christian." And that was it. I laughed and said "Yeah I did."
I've been neglecting this blog and the stage because I have always used my platform to talk about God and now I'm not as "Christian" as I was.
I still believe 90% like a Christian (we're not going to talk about that 10%). But I have two problems, fixing the first will fix the second.
1. I don't pray like I used to. I used to be THE GIRL you called to ask for prayer. My prayers used to be often and powerful, scripture-filled and atmosphere-shifting. And I used to hear from God, ask questions and get answers in real time. But somewhere along the way, I held on to some answers that I didn't understand and let the lack of understanding build doubt in me. I was told ________ would happen and it hadn't, so either God lies (that's not true) or I can't really hear Him. And if I can't really hear Him, then I'm not going to waste my time asking Him things.
2. Christianity can't decide if the Bible is literal or a metaphor or which parts are which. That is a basis for confusion. Add my literalist nature to that and you have even more confusion. My best friend is a genius and she said, "As good as your communication with God is, you could ask Him, passage by passage, what He wants you to do with what you read. 'Is it literal? If it's a metaphor, what is it trying to show me? Is this something that still applies or something that was for this historical time frame?' Just ask and let Him tell you." Geez, she's smart.
I've gotten over the biggest hurdle with my first problem. The statements He made to me in prayer were true at the times I asked Him, based on my life circumstances and the leanings of my heart at the time.
Let me give a demystified example.
If you, a single person working hard and making a high, corporate salary, "ask" your budget if you can buy a two-door, two-seater convertible this weekend, your budget might "say" yes because you can afford it and your life might "say" yes because the size of the car won't be an inhibition. In three years, if you've gotten married and adopted twins and birthed another baby, you can "ask" the same question: Can I buy a two-door, two-seater convertible this weekend? To which your budget and your life would respond with a swift "NO!" because of the way things are set up. What is your family of five going to do with a two-door, two-seater? The money you spend on it, isn't there something more logical to spend it on? So your budget didn't "lie" to you, your circumstances changed.
God didn't lie to me, and I didn't mishear Him. My life and desires simply changed in a way that also changed the answers to those questions. The two-door, two-seater doesn't make sense anymore.
The only problem I have left is this:
I need to learn to say, "I hear You when You say ______. I know that is Your ideal for me. I am not in a place right now where I am inclined to comply, and I hope that You accept my apology for disappointing You. I know this might result in me learning the hard way and I also know that if I get broken by this, You are still a healer. Thank You."
I wrote out this long list of prayers and mantras, I just need to say them everyday.
I'm going to learn to be a more authentic Christian than I used to be. I don't have any more blind faith, but I will exercise a faith whose eyes are wide open.